Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Time of My Life is Over

Dear Diary,

I told myself that I would try my best for K but it came to a point that I lost the chance. She was the time of my life but all good times would come to an end eventually. I discovered that I was in the friendzone since the beginning. I was never a man in her eyes rather someone she taught of as just a regular and no strings attach friend. Honestly, I was fooled in thinking that I was someone who was special in her eyes. The initial attention, her willingness to trust me, spending time when invited, her radiant smile and unique jokes were the little things that made me happy. It was perfect in my eyes but what I didn't see was that I'm just someone she relied on when she just needed someone.

Reading that sentence again, it doesn't sound so bad, but I'll always be that guy who she treated like a little brother and is simply nice. Nice guys certainly finish last and that's a living testimony. When I saw this coming, I was obviously heartbroken since I never had any chance. She was too good for me and her preference is different. She likes older guys and a life of fun. Haiz, I certainly sound like a jerk now since I know I won't be the one who will hold her hands under the sunset or the one who will make her feel special.

The week before last week, I felt really low since we hardly talked for weeks and she could simply not respond to my msgs. Whatsapp or SMS didn't work since she was too busy to even notice. She even rescheduled our dinner due her friend's b'day. I was disturbed a little but the most heart breaking thing was she totally forgot our rescheduled dinner. She had plans for the day and I honestly felt that I was the last thing on her list or rather the help line. I was nothing more than a listening ear. I could picture the day when another guy would simply make her dumb founded and capture her heart right before my eyes. Things will go downhill and I would become disposable.

I did try to show affection like talking on the phone and hanging out till 2am but I didn't even get a hug or even a picture with her when I offered. It took me courage to ask but it just didn't happen. I'm really sad. That's just lame! I'm certain that she would deleted the tag on fb too.

We had quite the conversation yesterday and wanted me stick with the company till she's able to leave. I thought to myself, is it worth waiting for her when I'll never be her man? Is it worth extending 8 months more of suffering while compromising my studies? All these considerations never sum up into "Yes it is!". I feel suffocated and I'm tearing for being such a fool for believing that love was in sight.

The best option is to let her go but I'm hesitating.

Well, it seems like I'm the only one hurt as always. A one sided love that never materialize.......

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Message for Future Self

Dear Future Lawrance,

What I'm feeling now has happen many times. Do you rmbr how we were so depressed that we couldn't wait and be with Carolin? Well, now it's about 1 year after that and we have found a girl/woman who is simply funny, cute, shy, beautiful, tall, sexy and have dreams. Mawen, the person we are trying so hard to impress and know.

I kept wondering whether 2013 would be the time when my "single" record comes to an end. Well, only my future self would know. However, the reason why I'm writing this is to remind you on a few stuff.

Pictures to reflect on how much we have changed in 4 years!

a) Your Feelings
As time passes, our feelings fade. I'm going crazy with her running through my mind everyday and I'm feel happy when I'm w her. Her sense of humour makes me laugh and I feel excited @ work when I know she's around. I feel sad when she doesn't respond or talk to me even for a day. Jealousy comes so often when I see her with another man. She drives my world and it's grey without her.

Do you rmbr how it feels now? Memory lane will open up n I hope you haven't become a playboy or geek. Loyalty and exposure are important since you will be lonely if you take either route. I don't know what the future has installed for me but I hope you are spending your time w the love of our lives. You can't tell me who but @ least make it worth for the experiences gain now. I have my doubts w Mawen but my feelings for her are the strongest now. My request - don't forget about her.

b) Dream Job
Currently, I'm spending my first 2 years as an accountant. But I know that I'm exactly happy w what I'm doing now. If you are still in it, it's high time that you change your career! Have travelled to Japan n migrated to Canada? I just hope that these plans realised when we read this again. As for our job, my rough idea would be something that boost our confidence n others as well. Motivational n knowledgeable.

Mawen did give a positive feedback on our presentation skills n it should be made great use of. I still rmbr the scene when we talked about dreams @ Marina Barrage till nearly midnight. It was the best moment n I'll always turn to it when things get bad. You might have made many more awesome moments but I just hope nothing bad happens between you n Mawen in the future since that moment will be too painful to be rmbred.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Living in the moment.

Dear Diary,

Today is a bit of a mix. I feel nostalgic, sad, touched, worried, skeptical, jealous and infinite. Work was fine but it could be better. My relationship isn't getting to far but there was a moment that could be considered the best. I made her laugh even when we both were serious and stressed @ work. Thinking of it @ the moment, I didn't appreciate it since I was distracted by work and the possibility that I would be rejected which I was. It seems like I have to an advance booking before getting her. She's a busy woman and her secretary (imaginary) is one hell of a difficult person. XD

Nostalgic - The Perks of Being a Wallflower brings back old memories from my childhood where I was the quite type, innocent and shy. Ash who has been there since my younger days was my confidant and a figure of confidence. He was someone that was not scared to speak his mind and everyone knew him. She could simply speak to anyone and shared his experiences. My childhood was lively with him and other friends who I knew along the way.

Sad, Jealous & Worried - Her plans for the night was booked and my invitation was rejected but it didn't end there. When she left office, our Director left the office while hurrying to catch up with her. I knew that I jealous since she is giving him too much opportunity when I clearly know his intentions are simply not good. He is a family man but still has ample time to bring his staff for personal dinner dates. No matter how I place it, he could just see her as a sexual figure. I'm worried that she will be dragged into a world that could taint her and change who she really is. Being hurt and numb again makes it harder to trust others again.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Girls & Their Feelings

Dear Diary,

Thinking too much isn't good since chances are, what you are thinking isn't what's happening. The past few weeks made me realised that you can't expect people to reply all of your responses since they could be simply too busy or just dumbfounded of what you said. If the person I'm conversing with is someone special, I would be very sensitive if I didn't get any response when a msg is sent. However, it's not something that should bother you too much since she could simply not respond since she's not feeling her best or it's rather a statement to her rather than an expected response.

K has her vulnerable and soft spots despite showing a strong front to people. It's something that I find admirable and cute. Admirable since she can suck it up and pull through the day when the world feels like it's crumbling. As for the cute part, it's referring more to the unexpected trait. The fact that she shares a personal and vulnerable part makes my heart melt. A will of a man but a heart of a woman is simply the perfect combination. Yesterday, 28/06/2013 is when I learnt my lesson to not think too much on people's response. I gave a random msg, "I luv TGIF!" and didn't get any response. My mind went wild but what I didn't know was, she was having a rough day and she even broke the sacred tears. Plus, YPL helped pushed the pop question about us being an item.

This event confirmed that what girls say is the opposite of how they feel. K commented that we were just friends but what her Whatsapp status shows the total opposite. Her status was negative before we converse but after interactions, it changed to the following:

a) Grateful (Love emo)
b) Whatever happens to us in the future, my time spent with you is the best time of my life
c) Love you like a love song,baby

She might be referring to another person so this would not be a concrete statement.

However, today was simply enjoyable! I spent my Saturday with her from Bottle Tree Park > Pool > World War Z. We had fun and I was so tempted to hold her but I knew it was too soon. Well, I did learnt a few stuff about her though:

a) Heat makes a rash
b) Prefer sweet & salty popcorns
c) Never bowled before since her wrist can't lift heavy stuff
d) Luvs victory!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Not Important At All!

Dear diary, I'm writting this journal out of frustration since I have been left out frm my lunch grp like deliberately. There's only 2 reasons why I wasn't part was due to my heavy work load or to accompany my Malay colleague to a halal place. However, today show a 3rd reason, I'm not wanted in the grp. They came over n said, "We R not joining you today since we R dropping something". At first it I thought alright, just me and my Malay colleague. But it's TRUE that I'm just not wanted n important to the grp as no one asked where I was n took notice. A cruel world when I try so hard to keep everyone included. Why must I pay retribution when I didn't deserve it? Another question in life.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Rumors but True

Dear Diary,

Just recently, I broke news to 2 of my colleagues about my interest in Mawen. Well, I was given a promise that it will be just between the 3 of us but I knew that it would spread to others in no time. It was a risk but people were noticing the regular dinners and chats we shared w only the 2 of us. I couldn't deny it as actions spoke louder than words.

As expected, news got over @ her end and her work neighbors were asking whether she was seeing someone from the office. Her reaction was, "Nope, he's just someone I go Zumba with. It's perfectly normal for a guy & gurl to hang out as friends." I agreed since it was the exact same thing I said to all my previous close gurl buddies. However, it never felt so bad as really didn't have any the connection I now have. Is this what the gurls felt when I said it? Sure sucks!

I didn't really push further into that topic since I knew that it wasn't the right time. 29th of September 2013 is the date when I will break the magical question. It's the eve of her 33rd birthday. Just by writing that figure gives me second thoughts. My plan is to come up with a sketch that consists of a hairpin. It will be a challenge since I have drawn in a while and realism is not as easy.

The last time we hanged out was on the 30.05.2013 since we were both staying late. We had a wonderful dinner @ Plaza Singapura and spent like 2 hours chatting. Here are the stuff I found out:

a) Meteor Garden

a) Insects
b) Reptiles

We talked about her shooting in a short company video, dramas, company's departmental meeting and some jokes on her local food - something like mango w fish. I'm glad that she's open with a lot of stuff especially problem and what she likes. I managed to give some encouragement about her friend and it felt good. Have you ever felt like on the top of the world when you can make life easier for the people you love? That's definitely what it felt. Love is so unfair since she keeps running through my mind!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dear diary,

It has been 2 years since I last posted something! A lot has happened in this time span. I've got a full time job in a CPA firm, met new people and fell in love.

Mharitez Gonzales - someone special who I felt a connection since the first time I met her. Love is an unexpected event since I am putting myself in a very complex relationship. She is a decade older, popular in her community and thinks she is gay. Why would a guy in his right mind fall in love with such a girl. Well, it's her personality that made me took a liking in her. Her shy reactions, enthusiasm in telling  her stories, laughter, smile, and maturity.

By far, this is the most alone time I have spent with a girl. It started with a one on one movie outing which changed our relationship status from colleague to friend (or so I think). She opened up with her broken relationship story and how she suffered from learning the horrible truth about her ex.

Subsequent dinners @ the convenience of OTs made her more comfortable with hanging our with me even though it was just the two of us. My colleagues were suspecting since we always come back from dinner together but what they don't know is, she doesn't feel in that way. Given the circumstances, it's only normal that she treats me like a confidant and maybe a regular friend.

I decided to step it up a little by asking her out for jogging @ MBS since she wanted to start exercising again but she didn't have anyone to run with. Then it hit me, since she needed people to motivate her, I fill the job description like a missing puzzle piece. However, I had to bump into my sis and bro which sucked since my sis jumped into conclusion that I was already dating and she was way too old for me. From here on out, my feeling began to waver since I don't have my family support to begin with.

Soon after, we decided to give hip hop dance a chance. I met her friend and instructor, Paul who ran the classes. It was intimidating since the students were seasoned and routine looked difficult. I gave it a go @ POMO & I lost hands down. I couldn't spin and maintain my posture. When I knew I nearly punched the guy beside me, I decided to throw in the white flag. Surely, it would be good if I got into a fight. Mawen was reluctant to join since we both felt it was too much for beginners like us.

Zumba was an "Aunty" sport since a professional dancer like Admyra said so herself. However, I decided to give a shot since I may luv it. Mawen and I moved and grooved to the instructor's moves. It was fun and tiring! I was convinced that it wasn't for aunties since I hurt my back! Took me nearly 1 week to get back in shape.

My second attempt was with more company - Ariel & Lovely. These two are Mawen's best buds and it's only natural that I would eventually meet them in person. However, I do not have good experiences with meeting my crush's friends since the beginning of time. They are either too protective or someone in the group also has a crush on her. It sucks and it happened again. I was clueless of their jokes since they were all speaking in Philippines. Haiz.....the difference in culture sure forms a barrier.

Well, later that night, I realized that things were actually very messy. Mawen was late since the director held her back which made Lovely upset since we were late and me as well since I was kept in the dark on a lot of stuff. Regardless, it was definitely a test for me since things don't go smoothly every time. I can't blame Mawen for all that had happen since there were many uncontrollable events. If I was in her shoes, I would be dumbfounded as well.

Lesson: Never jump to a conclusion before analyzing the situation.